Alot has changed since my latest post. I’ve left school, got a college placement, finally found someone who makes me so fucking happy! Lets start from the beginning…2nd July 2011, my 16th birthday, I invited my close ones to a mess around in town during the day then all go back to mine in the evening for a party, but there was this one person, who I completely adored. He was an ex, things happened last year, hence the term ‘ex’, but we stayed practially best friends, however, everyone knew there was still something there between us.

-

We did still have feelings for eachother, you’re right, but we thought nothing of it, until this day, I had no idea what was going to happen, I knew what I wanted to happen, and I guess you could kinda say it did.

-

Started having a mess around in town with everyone, and this one person in particular sat opposite us, I said something to a mate of mine messing around, so they told me to go stand with them, to which when I got over to them they’d text me, and hey presto I was back with him!

-

Now what I’m trying to get at is, there isn’t enough words in the whole of the English language to describe how I feel about him. I wake up everyday, happy, like really happy that I’m with him, but sad when I’m at mine and he’s not there for me to wake up to. Distance is hard, but I treasure every single second that I get with him when we see eachother, it may only be for 3/4 days but it feels so fucking good being around him! We may have had misunderstandings or whatever you’d like to call them, but they haven’t stopped us from coming back 10 times stronger. We have the ability to put whatever we need to behind us and just get on with it. Many times have I had people say to me, him, or both of us, how perfect they think we are together. And I like to go by that too. It’s difficult when one of us has to leave the other to travel the distance back home, I won’t lie it does kill me inside, but like I say, it’s so fucking amazing when I wake up on the day I’m due to go back and see him! The feeling of relief I get inside me when I walk up to him and see him there right infront of me is just indescribable.

-

But all my feelings for him are like that. Yes I can be a darn right pain in the arse, but that’s not come between us. The amount of determination we both have to see this through and make everything work out is amazing! I’m so fucking happy I’ve finally found that one person I’ve been looking for.

-

He’s been my light in my darkest of hours, my rock when I’ve been at my low point, can easily brighten up my day, and trust me, he’ll never quite fully understand how much I love him, or how much he means to me.

-

But then again, he tells me the exact same thing. So I guess that counts for something doesn’t it?

-

2/7/2011 - easily the greatest day of my life. I got given the best birthday present that anyone could’ve ever asked for. And I wouldn’t change any of it for anyone or anything. <3

Okay, so you know that feeling you get when you start speaking to someone and they make you happy, like constantly? yeah I have that right now.

The kind of person that just makes you feel good about yourself no matter what day of the week and no matter what mood you’re in, anything they say just instantly cheers you up and puts a smile on your face. You speak to them and it feels as if nothing else really matters in the world. You can speak to them for hours and hours on end and never ever get tired or bored. Well ladies and gentlemen, I have that kind of person in my life. It’s actually really rare occasions now where I’m unhappy, seeing their name makes me smile, seeing that they’re speaking to me straight away makes me smile, everything about them makes me smile. I’m not even going to bother going into too much detail right now or I’d be here forever, lets just say for now…watch this space. Because something amazing could happen along the horizon…

Ever get the feeling that nothing… EVERYTHING is your fault?

-

Something happens, makes you feel like shit. You open your mouth because you cannot contain your feelings any longer and your whole world comes crashing down on you. You feel like you’re going to lose one of your best mates and you feel like you’re to blame for 2 of them having a massive fall out. Try to make amends with one but it feels like nothing you can do is ever going to be right again.

-

Call me stupid for doing all this, but it’s the only way I can simply calm down right now. I have no idea how I can make it up to people. How I can show them how sorry I am for causing everything. Scared that if I say something then they’ll be gone out of my life forever. And I can’t handle that. No matter how many times people will tell me that it isn’t my fault, I fucking damn right now it is. I’m scared of who I’m becoming. I’m putting my problems aside around one of my best friends because I fucking care a hell of a lot for him. I’d die for him, despite anything what’s happen over the past nearly year. My problems are minor compared to his. His problems are way more important than my own in my eyes. I wish I had the power to make everything perfect for him, because seeing him happy means the fucking world to me!

-

I try to be the bigger person and apologise, come clean that I know I’m in the wrong. But I still feel like it isn’t enough countless times. To be told how I can make everything better again is all I’m asking for. Or at least to be told how I can make everything better.

-

I am the amazing person I get told I am.

Ever get that feeling where you feel like you’ll never be good enough? Like you’ll always be ”just the friend” to everyone? Someone who people come to for advice and a helping hand and you’re willing to do it no matter what because you care for them?

-

Narrowing it down, I’ve taken that much shit from people in my life, my heads been battered like a tennis ball during a test match. I’ve been thrown all over like a ragdoll. But yet I still manage to stick on a brave face for the people that care for me.

-

I will be good enough for someone one day

-

Makes you feel like you’re going to be lonely forever. I sure know I do. You do everything you should for people you care a hell of a lot about, treat them with complete respect, and how they deserve to be treated. And yet I still come out feeling like the bad guy? Really? It somehow doesn’t make sense. I’ve searched high and low for answers as to why it happens to me and not once have a found anything. You see people going out, enjoying their lives with people they’ve found at least an inch of happiness with, makes you feel like shit huh? I find myself sitting alone in my room, music playing through earphones and drowning out the world, trying to get my head round things, yet I always come back with the same question; ”why does this keep happening to me?”. Okay, so I know I’m no angel, but when it comes to relationship, honey I try my damned hardest. And what do I get in return? a battered head and a fake smile.

-

Now you can say ”why don’t you do things to help ease your mind?”, well guess what? It works for literally two seconds with me. I try concentrating on myself, but I only find what I class as ”bad qualities”. I’ll never be comfortable with myself, it’s highly impossible. I’m always going to have the worry of someone way better is going to come along for the person I’m with (if I’m with anybody). 3 relationships and they’ve all ended up in a sham. And do you know what hurts the most? How it’s given me doubts for the rest of my life, and how I see they’ve moved on fine…and I’m still left here, hurt deep down from everything that’s happened.

-

I feel like I’m not good enough for anyone, no matter how many times people tell me that I am. ”Everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay it’s not the end”. Yeah, I used to go by that quote, now I’m not so sure anymore. ”In life, everything happens for a reason”. Well that reason must be that someone, somewhere fucking hates my guts for me to feel this shit. I must make people around me feel so god damn helpless and shit with my shit attitude towards myself and everything else.

-

I don’t know. Maybe this is the end to a new beginning. Or maybe, it’s just a sign that no matter how hard I try, I do not deserve happiness. We all have our own idea of ”a perfect life”. But trust me, mine is completely different from yours.